I was in the car with my parents one day when we passed a deer farm. Being from rural Wisconsin I have a hard time understanding why people need to go to a fenced in area to shoot deer. I can hardly drive my Volkswagen without smacking into one of the damn things, so they're not exactly an endangered species. It just seems a little unfair to raise deer just so people that are too lazy to actually find one in the wild can still kill something and feel all manly. I voiced this disdain to my parents and said, "You know, they might as well just whack a pinata full of venison at this point," which they thought was hilarious.
"Heyyyy gurllll!!! Oh my gawd that orange vest is so last season."
BANG!
Not even fair, right?
The next day at work my mom decided to share the story with our coworkers. My mother is notorious for taking a funny story or joke and butchering it until it's rendered completely nonsensical. She usually forgets the punchline too, so one of us has to deliver it for her, which completely ruins the flow of the whole thing.
As she was setting up the deer farm story I got more and more tense because I just KNEW she was going to fuck it up and ruin my brilliant one-liner. I was completely shocked when she reached my line and instead of attempting to deliver it she just looked at me and said, "Well…?"
I stared at her in stunned silence for a moment. Did she REALLY just hand over the story rather than murder it? IS THIS REAL LIFE? [Love that drugged little post-dentist kid! teehee!]I was so shocked that I stuttered through the first couple of words, nearly butchering the whole thing myself, but I managed to pull it off and receive peals of raucous laughter for my efforts.
My mother will probably kill me when she reads this, so in an attempt to save my life:
Love you, Mom! Even if you are a story ruiner. <3
My mom butchers jokes like she is a cross between Sweeney Todd and Mrs. Lovett.
ReplyDeletemy husband used to hunt ducks, and I said, "all you need is a loaf of bread and a baseball bat. Go to the Park...." Wait, is this relevant or am I drunk...xoxo
ReplyDeleteDeer hunting farms remind me of that Rugrats episode when they put Grandpa Pickles into a assisted living facility and he tries to stay positive about fishing in a pool with trout he always had to throw back. Then they pulled him out because he wasn't enjoying life as deeply.
ReplyDeleteMaybe it was Doug.
@Betty It must be a mom thing. Knock knock jokes don't even stand a chance.
ReplyDelete@Laura Totally relevant. And totally true. Although the public might frown upon beating ducks to death in front of children. Best to do it while they're at school.
@Brian That seems a little #dark for Rugrats. I remember a storyline like that but I can't for the life of my remember which show it was on. Hm. This is going to make me nuts.
My mom was one of those who said stupidly hilarious things that she had no idea were funny. (I can say that here...she's not on the Internet, much less reading your blog. LOL.) I remember one time, she doubled my brother and me over by reading to us an article from the newspaper where some guy got busted for possession of crocaine. We were like, "Crocaine?! Isn't that a lawn game with wickets?" ROFL.
ReplyDeleteShe also embarrassed my sister and brother-in-law by announcing to a bar full of people that they had bought a brand new Vulva. "Did you see their new Vulva? It's a really nice Vulva! Why don't you go outside and take a look at their new Vulva?" ROFL. Oh, the mortification! I was so glad it was them and not me. LOL.
AHHAHAHAHAHA moms say the darndest things! One time at a Chinese restaurant I was standing with my mom near the kitchen and we could hear the staff yelling at each other in Chinese and my mom looks at me, giggles and goes "Andele! Andele!" completely forgetting that's SPANISH not CHINESE. But you know, they're practically the same thing anyway. xD
ReplyDeleteThanks for the publish,its really informative.It always seems to me like piñatas should get used as effigies.
ReplyDeleteregards
Pinatas