Judge Judy, death, and sleep. Not necessarily in that order.

First of all, let me say that I did not get put on the no fly list (there must be a delay) and we got to (and back from) Las Vegas safely. I know you were worried.

That said, we had a FABULOUS time and you will be hearing all about it. You will hear about my aspirations to join Cirque du Soleil (and how Kayla was a terrible friend and refused to help me attain my goal), about how we drown (don't worry, it didn't stick), my never-ending chivalry, and a drug deal gone wrong. But we have to start at the beginning. The beginning being what happened before we left.

So Saturday night, the day before we left for Vegas, I went to bed at the late hour of 7 PM. I had to get up at 3 on Sunday and I needed my beauty rest. So as I was lying in bed, I texted Kayla saying, "I'm waiting for Death. And by 'Death,' I mean 'Sleep.'" And then I started to think. And that never ends well. So I began to wonder if Death and Sleep are related. I mean, if you think about it, they're similar. I mean, what if Sleep (which I have clearly personified by my use of capitalization) is just a grim reaper in training? So, they grab their victims and they're all like "Okay, okay, I got this. Yeah, yeah...I got this. I can totally do this." But it's totally harder than it looks. And like the best they can do is knock their victim unconscious and hold them there. For a while. After six hours, they're sweating, and straining, and breathing all heavy and stuff. And their blood pressure is through the roof. Assuming they have blood. Anyways, eight hours in and that's it. They just aren't man enough. Or beast enough or whatever. And they let go and their victim wakes up. Seems legit to me. And then I was like, "But wait! What about insomniacs?" My only guess is that insomniacs have something about them that just drives these grim reapers crazy. Maybe something they're allergic too. Like maybe experienced grim reapers develop an immunity to it and that's why insomniacs don't live forever.

Anyways, eventually I fell asleep. But not until 9 PM. And then I woke up at 11 (still PM). I totally think my theory is right and I made the trainee nervous. He was totally like, "This guy is totally on to us." He was so worried about being found out that he just couldn't keep me under. The insomnia (which I don't regularly suffer from) was definitely not a result of excitement from the trip. It was definitely nervous grim reaper trainees.

Now it was 11 and I had to get up in four hours so I did the logical thing. I started thinking about Judge Judy. A while back I did some research about Judge Judy and other television court rooms. Why? Clearly because I want to be a judge on one of those shows. Mostly because I learned that they work like one week a month. And also because I like solving other peoples' problems. That's the same as telling people what to do, right? I learned that you don't even have to be a real judge. Many of them were judges before they got on TV but now they are just arbitrators. The two parties sign a contract to go with whatever the arbitrator ("judge") decides. They even get paid for being on the show AND the show pays any money that the defendant ends up owing. So if someone ever accidentally burns down my double wide while trying to make custom Barbies in my microwave, I know EXACTLY where I'm going. Also, please feel free to come to me for arbitration if someone ever burns down your double wide. Or bites your dog.

And then my alarm went off. I got a total of two hours of sleep before leaving for Vegas. I ended up being awake for 26 hours. I guess that's what I get for pissing off the grim reaper trainees. I probably shouldn't have blogged about this. Oh well, I didn't want to sleep tonight. Or ever again.